After a long winter of hibernation, and some emotional events that kept me hiding underneath the covers for way to long. The sun has finally come out and I am so ready for it. In the UK we have had rainfall which appeared to be something biblical for a while, the sky has been dark and grey for way to long, it is amazing how different the world can look once the light returns.
I try not to spend to much time on social media. I know that it is bad for my mental health. However I do enjoy YouTube and find that there are some much kinder people sharing their lives, than on other platforms. But everything in moderation is the key. Anyway I digress, I commented on one of those videos that you sometimes find that just encapsulates everything you are feeling at that exact moment. That feels as if you were meant to find it, that feels as if someone made it just for you. The subject was relating to 'empaths' and 'avoidants', why these people are attracted to one another and why their relationships are doomed to fail. It described the relationship as a dance where as soon as one pulls close the other pulls away. It, in no way made out that either of the people were wrong, but that in order for the relationship to work that both would have to look deep inside themselves in order to change for the better. Not just for their own lives but in order to make the relationship go the distance instead of turning into a pattern of emotional turmoil. I left a comment on the video, expressing my gratitude that I had found it at this time and that the message was exactly what I needed to here. That I had come to the conclusion that until I could love myself as hard as I did my ex partner, who had broken up with me for the umpteenth time that the relationship would never be successful. I have over the last few weeks distanced myself from the dream that was unlikely to ever be reality unless we both could start to dance in step with one another. The trouble is if one dance partner does not wish to learn the steps nor address that they need lessons to improve the partnership will always looks off, a little one sided. a little like one partner is carrying the other until they break. We hope that love will find a way, but love is not a pattern of pain. Love is not getting close only to find the next day you are dazed and confused at the break up which you could have never seen coming. Because the 'empath' who desperately wishes for closeness has to wake up to the face that the 'avoidant' is scared of the closeness. Much of this will come from deep rooted issues from childhood for both parties. They are like a kitten hiding under a bed, the empath will try and coax them out with patience and kindness and understanding of their needs and just when they think the kitten trusts and is about to emerge they scurry back underneath to a place of safety, a place which they find familiar. That is the dance. And many will stay in that relationship for longer that they should, it will take the empath to walk away completely and only chose to return if the avoidant does the work on themselves that they need in order to maintain the bond that the empath quickly feels in them.
The maker of the video responded to my comment kindly and with wisdom, they asked me what I am doing each day to learn to love myself. And I realised that other than just wishing and wanting I was doing nothing at all. So today I decided to make steps to change that. Taking advantage of the sun I took my dog out to a park, not just any park, but one that I used to go to in my childhood. Where the swings that I once played on are still there, a family were there with children and I watched them with a smile thinking about how much joy this small area of land in the hub of the community I had been raised in bought to so many. I thought about the fact that it costs no money at all to feel happy. That joy is priceless, that it is all around us if we just stop for a moment, put our phones in our pockets and walk on the grass, enjoy a little sun on our face and watch the dog enjoy sniffing the trees and bushes that have been there since before us and will last long after we are gone. I realise that nostalgia is so important, having memories that are happy and innocent are able to anchor us to a place makes us feel part of something bigger, they give us purpose. Having watched my dog run at some pigeons and see them all fly away, I let her lead me, if she stopped at a tree to sniff, I stood right beside her, not hurrying, just enjoying the moment. I listened to the laughing and screaming of a nearby school playground, again a familiar sound that bought back memories of time that sends me to an innocents I often feel is lost, but it is not lost, it is right there in my mind, I just need to stop for a moment and relive it. I took in deep breaths of the spring air, and when the family had left the park and I was all alone, I sat on a swing and pushed my feet off the ground and swung, pushing my feet up to the sky and bending my legs to and fro until I was lost in the momentum. My life has not turned out the way the little girl that I once was who used to play on those same swings probably dreamed. But life is about the things I can do now, not the things I cannot. They are about enjoying simple moments within myself, memories that take to places which are safe and secure. Times that have made me the person I am today. So on my first day of falling in love with myself that is what I did. Took my dog to a park and played on the swings and I enjoyed every moment. I think I might go on a second date there the first one went really well. I like this woman, I think she might be 'the one'.
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